How very sad! That's all I could think of to say after wandering around blogsphere reading and commenting whereever I could...and then clicking on my own blog and discovering that I had written....nothing...since August 19th. Gosh, that was almost a lifetime ago!
There actually was a slight reason why I stopped. I wrote a little blog about my grandson, Jacob's, baptism in which I was blessed to have been a part of, and when I went to add all my great pics...utter failure! So after about 10 tries I just gave up and obviously have not come around since!
Part of THAT reason is because I have taken up quilting again. After a VERY long hiatus from quilting during the time I was in school training to be a Deacon, I have finally hit the quilt room again with gusto! I'm not totally sure but I think I am currently working on about 4 quilts at the same time!
So, this is just an announcement that I think I am back! I'm writing this at work (it's Halloween and we were told to dress in costume...mine is of an unemployed person so how can I work...only kidding...I'm really dressed as a Cub's Fan which means I have a big "L" on my forehead for "Loser!") but when I get home this evening I am going to try that picture insert stuff again and write about what has been happening since August 19th!
Stay tuned!!
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Friday, August 24, 2007
Jacob's Baptism
This is a post from last August...the one I started and then found out I couldn't insert my pictures into! I still couldn't insert all the pictures that I wanted to but at least I got three of them in.
One of my greatest joy's in life is being "Grandma" to our grandson, Jacob David Johnson! We have three grandchildren...Jacob (5), Karley (3) and Nicholas (amost 1) but Jacob was our first and due to a set of very difficult and sometimes very sad circumstances we have been blessed with the opportunity of spending a LOT of time with him since his birth. Okay, I know I shouldn't have a favorite...but I do.
On Sunday August 12, 2007 Jacob finally got baptized...and answer to many years of fervent prayer. (The other two were duly baptized prior to their first birthday.) It was my joy and my privelege to not only be present at his baptism that day but to also assist. He was not baptized in the church I attend but the interim priest at the church he was baptized in graciously called me and asked me if I would like to serve as a deacon at the Mass that day! Would I ever!
The following pictures should tell the rest of the story! Praise be Jesus Christ, now and forever!
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Family
I am always amazed when I talk to people who have family reunions. My office mate just had one where her 13 cousins and various aunt and uncles on her mother's side of the family gathered. I only had an uncle for about 6 months before he died and left my only aunt a widow. I have never had a cousin. I have no sisters. I do have a brother who claims that I no longer exist so I could actually have a family reunion in a good sized bathroom! There would be me, my aunt, my dad and my niece, Amanda!
Since there are so very few of us, my vacations each year always include a trip to Chicago to see my aunt and then on to Massachusetts to visit my dad. My niece lives in Florida and since she is a head rider for the Lipizzander Stallions, she is seldom ever in one place long enough to visit. She did have a show in the Stockton Arena last year so we were able to hook up then!
Our vacation this year found us on our familar course. Fly from Sacramento to Chicago O'Hare, take the train to downtwon and then a cab to our favorite hotel, the Hilton Suites, where we always get a king room with a view!
This year this was a little twist to our trip. We flew into O'Hare on a Sunday afternoon, got our luggage and headed for the train. No problem...it was right there...paractically waiting for us! As we continued to the city, talking about what we would do during the week, we heard a message over the loud speaker telling us that the train was only going to a certain point because they were working on the track during the weekends. There had been no sign telling us of such work when we got on the train.
Sure enough, after a few more stations, the train stopped and everyone (with their luggage, if they came from O'Hare) had to get off! After finding a long narrow stairway to walk down (with our luggage which was getting heavier by the minutes) we found ourselves being directed to a line of waiting busses. It really didn't matter much where they were going...we were quite a distance from our hotel so on the bus we went. When we first got on the bus it actually went in the direction that we were hoping it would go! However, after about 20 minutes it began to take a turn in a direction that was going away from our hotel so we pulled the cord and got off.
There we were...hot, not close to where we wanted to be...and not a cab in sight. So we decided to start walking until a cab came by. I don't know how many hundreds of cabs are always in the downtown area but on that particular Sunday afternoon not one of them came near any street we were talking on during our journey. Needless to say, we walked all the way to the hotel and arrived sweaty, tired and a bit crabby!
The best thing about a vacation starting on a low note is that it has no place to go but up...and up ours went! Our main reason for being in the city was to spend time with my Aunt Pam. She enjoys taking us out to dinner each night when we are there and she always picks 4 and 5 star restaurants so we eat really well. This is a picture of Aunt Pam and Bob and me at Lawry's Steak House.
When we got back to the kiosk and returned the bikes the rain stopped and the sun came out bright and warm! It was my first ride in the rain and I must admit that it was really enjoyable and I might even be willing to do it again. But don't tell Bob that (he doesn't read my blog!)!
We also went to two Cub games at beautiful Wrigley Field. I am not a baseball fan but being at Wrigley is so special and the Cubs even made it better because they WON!! TWICE
After shopping, biking, incredible dinners and lot of extra sleep for 6 days we left Chicago O'Hare for Boston. Remembering about the weekend track work, we elected NOT to take the train but went to the airport by van. The van cost $40.00 compared to $4.00 on the train but we really didn't have a choice...walking was NOT on my agenda!!
We arrived in Boston, rented a car and drove to Natick, MA which is only a 20 minute drive from my dad's house. Sunday we went to Mass at a delightful little Episcopal church that was build in 1813 and still has little individual boxes to sit in during the service. After Mass we went to see my dad.
Since there are so very few of us, my vacations each year always include a trip to Chicago to see my aunt and then on to Massachusetts to visit my dad. My niece lives in Florida and since she is a head rider for the Lipizzander Stallions, she is seldom ever in one place long enough to visit. She did have a show in the Stockton Arena last year so we were able to hook up then!
Our vacation this year found us on our familar course. Fly from Sacramento to Chicago O'Hare, take the train to downtwon and then a cab to our favorite hotel, the Hilton Suites, where we always get a king room with a view!
This year this was a little twist to our trip. We flew into O'Hare on a Sunday afternoon, got our luggage and headed for the train. No problem...it was right there...paractically waiting for us! As we continued to the city, talking about what we would do during the week, we heard a message over the loud speaker telling us that the train was only going to a certain point because they were working on the track during the weekends. There had been no sign telling us of such work when we got on the train.
Sure enough, after a few more stations, the train stopped and everyone (with their luggage, if they came from O'Hare) had to get off! After finding a long narrow stairway to walk down (with our luggage which was getting heavier by the minutes) we found ourselves being directed to a line of waiting busses. It really didn't matter much where they were going...we were quite a distance from our hotel so on the bus we went. When we first got on the bus it actually went in the direction that we were hoping it would go! However, after about 20 minutes it began to take a turn in a direction that was going away from our hotel so we pulled the cord and got off.
There we were...hot, not close to where we wanted to be...and not a cab in sight. So we decided to start walking until a cab came by. I don't know how many hundreds of cabs are always in the downtown area but on that particular Sunday afternoon not one of them came near any street we were talking on during our journey. Needless to say, we walked all the way to the hotel and arrived sweaty, tired and a bit crabby!
The best thing about a vacation starting on a low note is that it has no place to go but up...and up ours went! Our main reason for being in the city was to spend time with my Aunt Pam. She enjoys taking us out to dinner each night when we are there and she always picks 4 and 5 star restaurants so we eat really well. This is a picture of Aunt Pam and Bob and me at Lawry's Steak House.
One of the things that Bob and I loved to do in Chicago when we lived there was to go for bike rides along the lake front. Of course we didn't have our own bikes but several years ago Bob discovered that bikes could be rented at Navy Pier. He went bike riding by himself on Monday while I slept in but I agreed to go with him on Tuesday.
As we got into the cab to take us to Navy Pier I thought I saw a few drops of rain on the windshield but Bob said, "don't worry." When we got to the bike rental place at the Pier I thought I felt a few drops but Bob said, "don't worry." When we paid our rental fee (2 hour minimum) the guy renting the bikes said that he didn't expect that we would have more than an hour since it looked like rain. Bob said, "don't worry." As we started on our ride I knew that I felt a LOT of drops. Bob said "it might sprinkle a little, don't worry." As we started our ride north along the lake it started REALLY raining...hard! Bob said, "do you want to turn back?" I was totally and completely soaked at this point and I said "don't worry, I'm already as wet as I can get!" So we rode for the full 2 hours in the pouring rain (but it was warm rain)!
When we got back to the kiosk and returned the bikes the rain stopped and the sun came out bright and warm! It was my first ride in the rain and I must admit that it was really enjoyable and I might even be willing to do it again. But don't tell Bob that (he doesn't read my blog!)!
We also went to two Cub games at beautiful Wrigley Field. I am not a baseball fan but being at Wrigley is so special and the Cubs even made it better because they WON!! TWICE
We arrived in Boston, rented a car and drove to Natick, MA which is only a 20 minute drive from my dad's house. Sunday we went to Mass at a delightful little Episcopal church that was build in 1813 and still has little individual boxes to sit in during the service. After Mass we went to see my dad.
Dad is 88 and considering that he had a serious stroke about 3 years ago, he is doing really well. Unbelievably, he has no gray hair! His eyebrows are quite gray but not his head! Check it out for yourself!
After visting with Dad and his wife, Anita, Bob and I took off to Freeport, Maine to visit our very favorite store, L.L. Bean! This is a store that has NO locks because it never closes. It is open 24/7 for 365 days of the year! Bob, who never likes to buy clothes, has fallen in love with L.L. Bean so for the years we have been doing there I have been able to buy him some new things without him complaining! From L.L. Bean we left for Booth Bay Harbor, Maine where we had reservations for a boat trip to see a lighthouse the next day.
Sadly, Bob became sick that evening and so our plans changed. Our previous plan was to go and see the lighthouse and then leave and travel about 120 miles to Arcadia National Park. Bob thought it might be a better idea to stay in Booth Bay another day. That was great news for me...the view from our balcony should tell you why.
After a beautiful day on the island not only did we decide to stay an extra day but an extra two days! The next day we took another longer boat ride to another island and saw another lighthouse! We spent the rest of our time in Booth Bay Harbor enjoying the view from our room, eating LOTS of lobster and clams and getting much needed rest!
Thursday we drove back to Boston and had another dinner with my Dad and Anita. Friday morning we left Boston for our trip back to Sacramento (via San Francisco!) and home! It was a lot like our previous vacations but we both feel that as long my aunt (who is 77) and my dad are still alive that trips east will be a part of our summers.
I may have a very small family and all of us may be able to have a reunion in a good size bathroom but I thank God every day for their presence in my life. I am truly blessed!
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Reasons for Not Blogging
Here it is August 18th and it has been over a month since I have even had time to sit at this computer and think about blogging! In wondering how so much time could have gone by I realized that I really could come up with some "legitimate" reasons for being away so long...and here they are...
1. I was on vacation for two weeks and I did NOT take my computer with me. While I was able to check my email on my trusty Treo and even answer, that was about as close to "doing something" that I wanted to get. Not that vacation was not "doing something!"
2. I have been in mourning. First it was saying goodbye to my beloved rector and his ever so enchanting wife. Then, when I returned from vacation I learned that my dear friend C's beloved chocoalte lab had died. The death was not unexpected but heartbreaking nonetheless. I had truly fallen in love with this beautiful 4-legged member of her family and so losing her was sad...and of course it brought back memories of my little Mousie.
3. I have been sick. B got sick while we were on vacation and continued to be sick for two weeks after we got back. I got sick the week after we returned home and remained so for a whole week. I even took a day off of work! This is very unusual for me since my motto usually is not to waste a good sick day on being sick! However, I was down and out and although I did go back to work the next day coming home and going to bed was about all I could muster.
4. I have been tired. My body can't seem to keep up with my life! I wish someone would have told me when I was a bit younger to save some of the energy I expended! I had no idea that we only have so much energy for our lifetime and I seem to have used up all of mine in the first 60 years! What ever happened to "Geritol" for "tired blood?"
5. I have been very busy (which probably accounts for #4 above!). Vacations are nice but then you have to come back to the office and it is all STILL there waiting for you!! By the time I could get "up to speed" from vacation I found I was behind on stuff that had to be done since I got back from vacation! It is endless. Guess that's why they call it work!!
Now that I have written down my excuses they look pretty puny! I have lots to blog about...not the least of which is my grandson's Baptism which I was priveleged to take part of and of course there is that vacation! But for now, the house in beckoning to me and so with dust rag and "Endust" in hand I will go answer its call can back here later!
1. I was on vacation for two weeks and I did NOT take my computer with me. While I was able to check my email on my trusty Treo and even answer, that was about as close to "doing something" that I wanted to get. Not that vacation was not "doing something!"
2. I have been in mourning. First it was saying goodbye to my beloved rector and his ever so enchanting wife. Then, when I returned from vacation I learned that my dear friend C's beloved chocoalte lab had died. The death was not unexpected but heartbreaking nonetheless. I had truly fallen in love with this beautiful 4-legged member of her family and so losing her was sad...and of course it brought back memories of my little Mousie.
3. I have been sick. B got sick while we were on vacation and continued to be sick for two weeks after we got back. I got sick the week after we returned home and remained so for a whole week. I even took a day off of work! This is very unusual for me since my motto usually is not to waste a good sick day on being sick! However, I was down and out and although I did go back to work the next day coming home and going to bed was about all I could muster.
4. I have been tired. My body can't seem to keep up with my life! I wish someone would have told me when I was a bit younger to save some of the energy I expended! I had no idea that we only have so much energy for our lifetime and I seem to have used up all of mine in the first 60 years! What ever happened to "Geritol" for "tired blood?"
5. I have been very busy (which probably accounts for #4 above!). Vacations are nice but then you have to come back to the office and it is all STILL there waiting for you!! By the time I could get "up to speed" from vacation I found I was behind on stuff that had to be done since I got back from vacation! It is endless. Guess that's why they call it work!!
Now that I have written down my excuses they look pretty puny! I have lots to blog about...not the least of which is my grandson's Baptism which I was priveleged to take part of and of course there is that vacation! But for now, the house in beckoning to me and so with dust rag and "Endust" in hand I will go answer its call can back here later!
Friday, July 13, 2007
So Much to Do and So Little Time!
How can it be that this is July 13th and I have not written since the end of June? It seems like I just had that special day yesterday. And now I am preparing to go on vacation and barely have time to pack before we are off for 2 weeks.
The weeks since my last post have been VERY full. Preparations for saying good-bye *SIGH* to our priest and his wife at church have been mind boggling! My dear friend C and I were working on a project for what seemed "day and night" for almost 3 weeks. It turned out to be a wonderful pictorial memory book of our church, our Liturgy, our congregation and many memories which we presented to Fr. C and B at their "good-bye" brunch last Sunday. We had worked on the book so long and hard that I felt like I had been in labor "forever" and then finally given birth only to have to give the "baby" up for adoption! I know it is going to a good home, but...!
The brunch was actually the second "good-bye" function. Last Friday was a "good-bye dinner" that was simply delightful...if it wasn't for the occasion! The weather was beautiful for outdoor cocktails and goodies and the dinner was delicious. Toasts were given, gifts were presented, a lovely power point presentation was shown and speeches were made. All in all an enchanting evening...but lots of tears flowed also.
I have been lamenting all of the "lasts." My last Sunday to serve at the altar with Fr. C, my last time at EP with Fr. C (that occurred tonight and all I did was drop little tears on my prayer book). Tomorrow will be the last time I serve at the altar with him forever and just thinking about it makes my eyes water! His office gets emptier every day in direct proportion to my heart breaking. I sure do like to say "hello" so much better!
Along with getting ready for the "final good-bye" to Fr. C I have also been facilitating 3 different adult bereavement support groups for the last six weeks. I seldom have three going at one time but I wanted to accommodate everyone before I left on my two week vacation so I tried it. With the Lodi (Monday nights), Stockton (Weds. nights) and Manteca (Thurs. nights) groups I had a total of 53 people in the groups. Fifty three stories of 53 beautiful people who are grieving the death of someone who was so very important to their lives. Mother, fathers, brothers, sister, sons, daughters, husbands, wives, and other loved ones were remembered by the participants telling "their story." Not the story of their deaths...but the stories of their loved one's lives and who they are as survivors today because of they were blessed to have their lives cross.
In one of the groups I had a very devastating thing happen. One of the gentlemen in the group was there with his only child, his daughter. They were grieving the death of his wife and her mother. I watched them grow and heal during the first 5 weeks of the group. Then two days after the 5th week I received a phone call telling me that the gentleman had died that morning. So here was this daughter who had just buried her mother in April and now had to bury her father. The members of the group rose to the occasion. Forgetting their own grief for a while, every single one of them sent her a card and many of them called her. When I went to the funeral on Thursday she said those cards and calls are what kept her going.
The groups are so rewarding. The first night everyone just sits very quietly just looking at their feet or glancing through the literature they are given. By the last night everyone is laughing and talking and making plans to get together and talking about the future. Wow! However, all that emotion for 3 nights a week for 6 weeks along with my OWN emotion has been one very long roller coaster ride!
I need a vacation! Of course going on vacation with B is seldom relaxing but it is always interesting. We fly to Chicago early Sunday morning. I tell everyone I am going to Chicago to visit my Aunt Pam...he tells everyone we are going to Chicago to see a couple of Cubs games and maybe see Barry Bonds break the record of home runs in the beautiful confines of Wrigley Field! After a week in Chicago (during which we shall do both of the above...although I can't vouch for the Barry Bonds part!) we fly to Boston. I say we are going to Massachusetts to see my Dad. Bob says we are going East to take a road trip up the coast to visit light houses and a National Park! Again, we shall do both!
I'm not taking my laptop computer so I won't be able to send posts like by good friend K did on her vacation. In fact, I'm not even going to look at a computer!
So, to those who may occasionally frequent this little blog I say "good-bye" for two weeks! I know I will have itchy fingers to write again when we return on July 27th. May God bless each and every one of you and keep you in His loving arms!
The weeks since my last post have been VERY full. Preparations for saying good-bye *SIGH* to our priest and his wife at church have been mind boggling! My dear friend C and I were working on a project for what seemed "day and night" for almost 3 weeks. It turned out to be a wonderful pictorial memory book of our church, our Liturgy, our congregation and many memories which we presented to Fr. C and B at their "good-bye" brunch last Sunday. We had worked on the book so long and hard that I felt like I had been in labor "forever" and then finally given birth only to have to give the "baby" up for adoption! I know it is going to a good home, but...!
The brunch was actually the second "good-bye" function. Last Friday was a "good-bye dinner" that was simply delightful...if it wasn't for the occasion! The weather was beautiful for outdoor cocktails and goodies and the dinner was delicious. Toasts were given, gifts were presented, a lovely power point presentation was shown and speeches were made. All in all an enchanting evening...but lots of tears flowed also.
I have been lamenting all of the "lasts." My last Sunday to serve at the altar with Fr. C, my last time at EP with Fr. C (that occurred tonight and all I did was drop little tears on my prayer book). Tomorrow will be the last time I serve at the altar with him forever and just thinking about it makes my eyes water! His office gets emptier every day in direct proportion to my heart breaking. I sure do like to say "hello" so much better!
Along with getting ready for the "final good-bye" to Fr. C I have also been facilitating 3 different adult bereavement support groups for the last six weeks. I seldom have three going at one time but I wanted to accommodate everyone before I left on my two week vacation so I tried it. With the Lodi (Monday nights), Stockton (Weds. nights) and Manteca (Thurs. nights) groups I had a total of 53 people in the groups. Fifty three stories of 53 beautiful people who are grieving the death of someone who was so very important to their lives. Mother, fathers, brothers, sister, sons, daughters, husbands, wives, and other loved ones were remembered by the participants telling "their story." Not the story of their deaths...but the stories of their loved one's lives and who they are as survivors today because of they were blessed to have their lives cross.
In one of the groups I had a very devastating thing happen. One of the gentlemen in the group was there with his only child, his daughter. They were grieving the death of his wife and her mother. I watched them grow and heal during the first 5 weeks of the group. Then two days after the 5th week I received a phone call telling me that the gentleman had died that morning. So here was this daughter who had just buried her mother in April and now had to bury her father. The members of the group rose to the occasion. Forgetting their own grief for a while, every single one of them sent her a card and many of them called her. When I went to the funeral on Thursday she said those cards and calls are what kept her going.
The groups are so rewarding. The first night everyone just sits very quietly just looking at their feet or glancing through the literature they are given. By the last night everyone is laughing and talking and making plans to get together and talking about the future. Wow! However, all that emotion for 3 nights a week for 6 weeks along with my OWN emotion has been one very long roller coaster ride!
I need a vacation! Of course going on vacation with B is seldom relaxing but it is always interesting. We fly to Chicago early Sunday morning. I tell everyone I am going to Chicago to visit my Aunt Pam...he tells everyone we are going to Chicago to see a couple of Cubs games and maybe see Barry Bonds break the record of home runs in the beautiful confines of Wrigley Field! After a week in Chicago (during which we shall do both of the above...although I can't vouch for the Barry Bonds part!) we fly to Boston. I say we are going to Massachusetts to see my Dad. Bob says we are going East to take a road trip up the coast to visit light houses and a National Park! Again, we shall do both!
I'm not taking my laptop computer so I won't be able to send posts like by good friend K did on her vacation. In fact, I'm not even going to look at a computer!
So, to those who may occasionally frequent this little blog I say "good-bye" for two weeks! I know I will have itchy fingers to write again when we return on July 27th. May God bless each and every one of you and keep you in His loving arms!
Thursday, June 28, 2007
A Special Day
Today is only just a little half over (by the clock) and it has already been an incredible special day.
I have had the opportunity to see someone I love in a way I have never seen them before and now feel closer than I ever had. I have also been reminded in a gentle and loving way of what REAL friendship between those who call Jesus "the Christ, the son of the living God" looks like! I consider both the opportunity and the reminder as "love gifts" from the Lord today! Although the gifts concern two different people they are intrically connected!
The "opportunity" concerns someone I have known and loved for the past 10 years. I have known this person to be quite "cerebral" and not one to deal much in feelings because, you know, "feelings" can mess you up! Today, this person shared feelings with me that showed me a tender side of them...a gentleness and openness that I wasn't sure existed but am so delighted to know that it does! It was a lovely "love gift."
The "reminder" concerns someone that I have known and loved for a shorter but equally wonderful time. I call this person "my dear friend" because they bring light and laughter and kind counsel into my life. Today, this friend reminded me of what "friendship" is really about. It is about loving and caring enough about someone to tell them the truth even if they don't think they want to hear it. It is about have the freedom to be truly be honest with someone and knowing that it is perfectly "OK."
And even more than that, a true friend can help you see the "forest" when all you can see is the one tree you are standing under. They can also help you see your "real" self even though you try to hide it! Today, "my dear friend" helped me to see the beauty and the value of my first "love gift" and all of the above. That was my second "love gift" from the Lord.
Previously I wrote about the joy of thinking about the fact that God needs no other reason to love us other than we belong to Him! And because we belong to Him, like any loving Father, He gives us special little "love gifts" when we least expect them! I am so grateful for his gifts of love to me today.
Praise be God forever and ever and ever!!
Saturday, June 23, 2007
An Encouragement to Love and Spoil!
Christy Actually Awake! (Kind of!)
During the last week, Christy, my very old "dorkey Yorkie" developed an "itchy rash" which has caused her to spend a lot of her awake time chewing on herself. She has had this itchy rash before so I called the vets office to get a refill of her medicine. I was told that medications can't be refilled without a "vet visit" (which therefore gives me the opportunity to pay $41.00 for the office visit AND the prescription refill!)
Since I work during the week I had to wait to get a Saturday appointment. Actually, my favorite vet there is Dr. McK and she only works on weekends anyway so it was all for the best.
As mentioned in a previous blog, Christy is a "pet shop" dog and therefore has always been much larger (fatter!) than a regular Yorkie (like Mousie). At her peak of "fatness" she weighed a little over 14 pounds...way over 14 pounds! Today they weighed her and she came in at about 8.7 lbs. I knew she had lost a lot of weight but close to half was a little scary.
Dr. McK finally saw us after almost an hour wait! She was surprised to see how little Christy has become. I told her why we were there and while I was telling her about Mousie I could see her gently running her hands over Christy and I watched her face as she went over and over Christy's tummy. When I finished talking I said "what did you find?" She then told me the words I most certainly did not want to hear "Christy has a very large tumor on her liver...about the size of a tennis ball."
I was then waiting for her to tell me the dreaded words "it's time to let her go." I wasn't ready for that and thankfully I did not hear them. Instead she told me to take Christy home and love her and love her and then love her some more. It's time to spoil her...feed her whatever she wants whenever she wants it! (Even though Christy is deaf her ears seemed to come up when Dr. McK said that!). When I asked about how long she might have to enjoy all this love and spoiling, the answer was "until she dies." Okay, I can deal with that. At least she didn't say "next week" although I am well aware it could be..."until she dies."
So I share my story with whoever might happen upon this blog. I'm going to be kind of busy from now on loving and spoiling Christy so this might be my last blog entry for a while. Christy has been my sweet baby since December 1991 when my late husband, Chuck, brought her home to me as a Christmas present all tucked up in his jacket! She was with me when my older Yorkie, Sasha, died. She was with me when Chuck died. She was with me when Mousie died. She moved from Chicago to Lodi with me. When I met her she was 14 weeks old and I was 46. Now she is 15 years, 9 months and 16 days old and I am 61+. We have a lot of history together and I intend on making our last "whatever" as special as possible.
I feel so sorry for those poor souls who don't believe in "doggy heaven" because there surely is one. All my beloved pets are there along with millions and billions of others. God certainly loves all His creatures from the slimy snail to my wonderful Mousie and Christy!
Praise God forever and ever and ever! Amen
Friday, June 22, 2007
The Beginning of a Journey for a "Rule of Life"
It has been my joy and my privilege over the past 28 months to have the gift of a spiritual director. J is a Roman Catholic priest and one of the most humble, gentle, godly and spiritual men I have ever known. It may seem odd that an Episcopal/Anglican deacon has a Roman Catholic priest for a spiritual director but since I went to him not for direction in serving in the Episcopal church...that was what those three years of classes in Fresno were for...but for direction for a deeper of heart, mind and spirit relationship with God, our relationship has been perfect...at least for me.
I met J in the beginning of my second year in the diaconate discernment process shortly after moving from an "Aspirant" to a "Postulant. I wasn't quite sure how all this was going to work...would he "take me on?"...would I like him?...but the line from Rene Zellwenger in the movie "Jerry Maquire fills the bill...he "had me at hello!" I knew immediately that the Lord had chosen him to help guide me in the spiritual journey that I was taking.
In the beginning I became somewhat frustrated. I would ask him questions but he would not give me answers! Instead, he would guide me on a path where I could discover the answers for myself. I thought the "instant gratification" way would be better but now, after over two years of monthly meetings, I truly realize that his way was so much better and helped me to grow in ways I never would have done had I just been given the "answers."
I was terrified that when I finally finished that very long third year and reached my ordination date of December 16, 2006 that he would suggest that we part company. Thankfully he did not do that and so we have continued our monthly meetings and I am ever so grateful.
All that has been said to bring me to our most recent meeting on June 21, 2007...just a few days ago. I told him that I felt the Lord was really laying upon my heart the need for a "rule of life" for my life.
All my life I have actually liked "rules." They make me feel secure in a world that is not always very secure. I attended an all girls Catholic high school. Maria High was located on the south side of Chicago in the Marquette Park area. It was part of a large full city block which consisted of Nativity Church, Nativity Grammar School, Holy Cross Hospital, Maria and the mother house of the Sisters of St. Casimir, who taught at both schools and managed the hospital. I was in high school from 1959 to 1963 when nuns still wore those mysterious black and white "habits" and demanded the highest respect!
We had SO many rules that they could make your head spin. No talking in the halls, no talking in the classrooms, no talking in the bathrooms, no make-up, only wear black crepe sole shoes, must wear stockings with seams, must wear wool gabardine uniform swith little while blouses with peter pan collars! Don't wear patent leather shoes because they reflect your underwear, don't wear white because it reminds a boy of bedsheets (back when almost all sheets were white!!) and always have a Chicago telephone directory between you and a boy's lap or you will get pregnant! There were many, many, many more! I loved and embraced all of them. They made my very insecure life secure even if it was only during school hours.
The first reunion I went to with my classmates was our 10th. So many of them were married and had babies already and we were all so "grown up." During our discussions at the dinner table they started talking about how awful, how terrible, how humiliating and degrading all those terrible rules had been when we were in school. I was devastated and could not bring myself to join in the conversation because I knew that I would be considered "strange" if I said how much I appreciated those rules!
It was not until I accepted Christ as my personal savior and gave Him my heart that I ever felt that security again. God had rules for us and they were found in His book, the bible! I met Christ 25+ years ago in a little Baptist church in Kissimmee, Florida. Not only did I discover that God had rules but I also discovered the Baptist church had made up a whole big bunch of them on their own...boy did they have rules! However, all those rules once again brought order and stability to my life and I quickly embraced all I could find. In time, I also found some of those rules very confining...but that's a different blog!
So here I am today, an ordained Episcopal/Anglican deacon and once again looking for rules to bring order and stability to my life. It is not that my life is out of control...it is the world that seems out of control to me. There don't seem to be many "rules" that anyone cares to follow any more. Gosh, just try and do the speed limit on a freeway and you will find yourself the slowest vehicle out there and likely to get run over!
Even God's rules don't seem to mean much anymore...you know...the ones about killing and stealing and honoring your parents and coveting your neighbors goods...or spouse! Just watch the nightly news or read the newspaper to discover that! Even the more gentle "rules" like ""not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near. " (Heb 10:25) I have a feeling that there a lot more people at home on Sunday mornings than there are in churches even though those at home are "members" of churches!
I must confess that I am easily distracted by all that is going on around me. My life does not seem secure right now with my Mousie's death (yes, I am still grieving!), my beloved rector leaving our church to move to Indiana and "things" at work being more stressful and out of hand than usual. I need some stability...I need a "rule of life" so that I have a lifeline to hold on to when things get out of control.
While J was in certainly in favor of this quest I wanted to embark on he was also hesitant about it because he was concerned that I might use this "rule of life" to beat myself up with because I would build something so stringent that I could never hope to achieve it and then I would berate myself for not succeeding. I am an expert at this. I am one of those people who can receive 24 positive comments about something but only hear and remember the one negative one. Then am quite experienced at beating myself up over that one negative comment. I believe the one over the twenty four no matter how hard I try not to! I definitely need a "rule of life"...and one that does not allow any self-flagellation!
After assuring J that my goal was that my "rule of life" would be an encouragement and not a detriment to my spiritual growth, he agreed to help. Of course the help that I had in mind was that he would kind of put it together for me and I would just try and follow it! It was not what he had in mind. He went to his library and returned with a book. "Read it" he said, "it won't tell you what to do it but it will be a guidebook for the journey." I have begun to devour the book. I am excited to begin the work involved but want to every word to sink in before that! I am really hyped!
Every meeting that I have had with J has resulted in me getting a "nugget" that I could chew on until our next meeting. This month my "nugget" was the reminder that God loves me...not because of any good that I might try to do...and not in spite of all the messes I make...God loves me because I belong to Him! I belong to God...the God that created the heavens and the sun and the moon and the stars and every living creature on earth! I belong to Him! Wow! That's a reminder nugget that I needed...especially in light of my "sad" state that I have been in lately.
Praise be God...forever and ever and ever! Amen!
I met J in the beginning of my second year in the diaconate discernment process shortly after moving from an "Aspirant" to a "Postulant. I wasn't quite sure how all this was going to work...would he "take me on?"...would I like him?...but the line from Rene Zellwenger in the movie "Jerry Maquire fills the bill...he "had me at hello!" I knew immediately that the Lord had chosen him to help guide me in the spiritual journey that I was taking.
In the beginning I became somewhat frustrated. I would ask him questions but he would not give me answers! Instead, he would guide me on a path where I could discover the answers for myself. I thought the "instant gratification" way would be better but now, after over two years of monthly meetings, I truly realize that his way was so much better and helped me to grow in ways I never would have done had I just been given the "answers."
I was terrified that when I finally finished that very long third year and reached my ordination date of December 16, 2006 that he would suggest that we part company. Thankfully he did not do that and so we have continued our monthly meetings and I am ever so grateful.
All that has been said to bring me to our most recent meeting on June 21, 2007...just a few days ago. I told him that I felt the Lord was really laying upon my heart the need for a "rule of life" for my life.
All my life I have actually liked "rules." They make me feel secure in a world that is not always very secure. I attended an all girls Catholic high school. Maria High was located on the south side of Chicago in the Marquette Park area. It was part of a large full city block which consisted of Nativity Church, Nativity Grammar School, Holy Cross Hospital, Maria and the mother house of the Sisters of St. Casimir, who taught at both schools and managed the hospital. I was in high school from 1959 to 1963 when nuns still wore those mysterious black and white "habits" and demanded the highest respect!
We had SO many rules that they could make your head spin. No talking in the halls, no talking in the classrooms, no talking in the bathrooms, no make-up, only wear black crepe sole shoes, must wear stockings with seams, must wear wool gabardine uniform swith little while blouses with peter pan collars! Don't wear patent leather shoes because they reflect your underwear, don't wear white because it reminds a boy of bedsheets (back when almost all sheets were white!!) and always have a Chicago telephone directory between you and a boy's lap or you will get pregnant! There were many, many, many more! I loved and embraced all of them. They made my very insecure life secure even if it was only during school hours.
The first reunion I went to with my classmates was our 10th. So many of them were married and had babies already and we were all so "grown up." During our discussions at the dinner table they started talking about how awful, how terrible, how humiliating and degrading all those terrible rules had been when we were in school. I was devastated and could not bring myself to join in the conversation because I knew that I would be considered "strange" if I said how much I appreciated those rules!
It was not until I accepted Christ as my personal savior and gave Him my heart that I ever felt that security again. God had rules for us and they were found in His book, the bible! I met Christ 25+ years ago in a little Baptist church in Kissimmee, Florida. Not only did I discover that God had rules but I also discovered the Baptist church had made up a whole big bunch of them on their own...boy did they have rules! However, all those rules once again brought order and stability to my life and I quickly embraced all I could find. In time, I also found some of those rules very confining...but that's a different blog!
So here I am today, an ordained Episcopal/Anglican deacon and once again looking for rules to bring order and stability to my life. It is not that my life is out of control...it is the world that seems out of control to me. There don't seem to be many "rules" that anyone cares to follow any more. Gosh, just try and do the speed limit on a freeway and you will find yourself the slowest vehicle out there and likely to get run over!
Even God's rules don't seem to mean much anymore...you know...the ones about killing and stealing and honoring your parents and coveting your neighbors goods...or spouse! Just watch the nightly news or read the newspaper to discover that! Even the more gentle "rules" like ""not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near. " (Heb 10:25) I have a feeling that there a lot more people at home on Sunday mornings than there are in churches even though those at home are "members" of churches!
I must confess that I am easily distracted by all that is going on around me. My life does not seem secure right now with my Mousie's death (yes, I am still grieving!), my beloved rector leaving our church to move to Indiana and "things" at work being more stressful and out of hand than usual. I need some stability...I need a "rule of life" so that I have a lifeline to hold on to when things get out of control.
While J was in certainly in favor of this quest I wanted to embark on he was also hesitant about it because he was concerned that I might use this "rule of life" to beat myself up with because I would build something so stringent that I could never hope to achieve it and then I would berate myself for not succeeding. I am an expert at this. I am one of those people who can receive 24 positive comments about something but only hear and remember the one negative one. Then am quite experienced at beating myself up over that one negative comment. I believe the one over the twenty four no matter how hard I try not to! I definitely need a "rule of life"...and one that does not allow any self-flagellation!
After assuring J that my goal was that my "rule of life" would be an encouragement and not a detriment to my spiritual growth, he agreed to help. Of course the help that I had in mind was that he would kind of put it together for me and I would just try and follow it! It was not what he had in mind. He went to his library and returned with a book. "Read it" he said, "it won't tell you what to do it but it will be a guidebook for the journey." I have begun to devour the book. I am excited to begin the work involved but want to every word to sink in before that! I am really hyped!
Every meeting that I have had with J has resulted in me getting a "nugget" that I could chew on until our next meeting. This month my "nugget" was the reminder that God loves me...not because of any good that I might try to do...and not in spite of all the messes I make...God loves me because I belong to Him! I belong to God...the God that created the heavens and the sun and the moon and the stars and every living creature on earth! I belong to Him! Wow! That's a reminder nugget that I needed...especially in light of my "sad" state that I have been in lately.
Praise be God...forever and ever and ever! Amen!
Monday, June 18, 2007
Just Plain Sad
While wandering around "blog land" reading my very most favorite blogs, I clicked onto my own here. How shocked I was to realize that I had not written anything since May 28th! And I have had SO much to say!
After spending the last half hour trying to figure out exactly why I haven't posted anything I suddenly realized that I am just too sad to write. I'm not unhappy. I'm not angry. I'm not frustrated...I am just plain sad.
Because my "paying gig" is being a grief counselor one might think that it would not be unusual for me to be sad. At the present time I am facilitating 3 evening adult bereavement support groups with a total of 51 people in the 3 groups. That translates to having heard 51 stories from people who are grieving the death of a loved one. Some are grieving the death of spouses, some of parents, some of siblings and quite a few are grieving the death of a child...their children ranging in age from 3 years to 53 years. However, the stories don't make me sad. My heart often breaks for those who are suffering in their grief but a part of me is so grateful that they are in the group because I know that healing is a real possibility. I know that on the last night of each of the three groups I will hear laughter. I will hear people who started out at complete strangers on week one exchanging address and phone numbers and making plans to meet for lunch or dinner. I will have the incredible joy of watching them leave with something they didn't start out with....HOPE!
No, I am not sad because of my groups. I am not even sad any more about my little Mousies passing. I have come to realize that I was an excellent "Mousies Mommy" and that is why she lived a full and exciting 15 year, 4 months and 6 days! She brought joy and happiness to my life and I have lots of memories to warm my heart.
The answer for my sadness comes from the Blessed St. Paul's Epistle to the Romans....
"I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree that the law is good. So then it is no longer I that do it, but sin which dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells within me, that is, in my flesh. I can will what is right, but I cannot do it. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I that do it, but sin which dwells within me. " (Romans 6:15-20 RSV)
I have wrestled with these verses from Roman ever since I became a Christian a little over 25 years ago. Sin is the reason for my sadness. To be more concise....MY sin is the reason for my sadness. Like St. Paul, I do not understand my own actions. The goodness in my heart seems to go through some strange transformation by the time in comes out through my actions or my words. And therefore I do not do what I want, but I do the very things I hate.
During the past several weeks I have found that I have offended people that I greatly admire, I have hurt people through action or word that I love so dearly, I have let people down who I have given every reason to be able to count on me and so I have become so very sad.
Oh, I've taken the opportunity to apologize where I have offended and tried to make amends as best I could but I know that these things, probably in different forms, will happen again. I am sad because it is obvious that "evil dwells within me" and all I want dwelling within me is the presence of the Holy Spirit!
After spending the last half hour trying to figure out exactly why I haven't posted anything I suddenly realized that I am just too sad to write. I'm not unhappy. I'm not angry. I'm not frustrated...I am just plain sad.
Because my "paying gig" is being a grief counselor one might think that it would not be unusual for me to be sad. At the present time I am facilitating 3 evening adult bereavement support groups with a total of 51 people in the 3 groups. That translates to having heard 51 stories from people who are grieving the death of a loved one. Some are grieving the death of spouses, some of parents, some of siblings and quite a few are grieving the death of a child...their children ranging in age from 3 years to 53 years. However, the stories don't make me sad. My heart often breaks for those who are suffering in their grief but a part of me is so grateful that they are in the group because I know that healing is a real possibility. I know that on the last night of each of the three groups I will hear laughter. I will hear people who started out at complete strangers on week one exchanging address and phone numbers and making plans to meet for lunch or dinner. I will have the incredible joy of watching them leave with something they didn't start out with....HOPE!
No, I am not sad because of my groups. I am not even sad any more about my little Mousies passing. I have come to realize that I was an excellent "Mousies Mommy" and that is why she lived a full and exciting 15 year, 4 months and 6 days! She brought joy and happiness to my life and I have lots of memories to warm my heart.
The answer for my sadness comes from the Blessed St. Paul's Epistle to the Romans....
"I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree that the law is good. So then it is no longer I that do it, but sin which dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells within me, that is, in my flesh. I can will what is right, but I cannot do it. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I that do it, but sin which dwells within me. " (Romans 6:15-20 RSV)
I have wrestled with these verses from Roman ever since I became a Christian a little over 25 years ago. Sin is the reason for my sadness. To be more concise....MY sin is the reason for my sadness. Like St. Paul, I do not understand my own actions. The goodness in my heart seems to go through some strange transformation by the time in comes out through my actions or my words. And therefore I do not do what I want, but I do the very things I hate.
During the past several weeks I have found that I have offended people that I greatly admire, I have hurt people through action or word that I love so dearly, I have let people down who I have given every reason to be able to count on me and so I have become so very sad.
Oh, I've taken the opportunity to apologize where I have offended and tried to make amends as best I could but I know that these things, probably in different forms, will happen again. I am sad because it is obvious that "evil dwells within me" and all I want dwelling within me is the presence of the Holy Spirit!
Tonight as I finished up my two hour support group I read a little story to the group about hope. It was the story of Pandora's box and how when she opened it (after being under strict orders not to open it!) she released all the evils of the world so she hurried up a shut the lid. When she did a little voice inside the box begged her to be let out. When she opened the lid again she let out the most important item in the box...HOPE.
I can't use scripture in my groups...but I can use scripture in my life. And so tonight I looked for as many verses as I could that talked about hope. There are lots of them. They all hugged my heart.
I may still be sad but the Lord has reminded me that I am not like those without hope...because He loves me...even when I do that which I do not want to do! Thank you Lord for your unceasing love and forgiveness!
Monday, May 28, 2007
Smile!
Every now and then we just need to take time out to smile! It is really easy...you just tun the corner of your mouth up and you've got it. Maybe these little critters can show
you how!
you how!
And now that you been shown how....try those smiles on these!!
I needed to post this to keep a smile on my face! Enjoy!
I needed to post this to keep a smile on my face! Enjoy!
Sunday, May 27, 2007
From the Words of Blessed St. Paul to My Heart
No doubt I am going to get the “facts” of this blog entry wrong…mainly because my mind is not nearly as sharp as it used to be. However, I hope that I will be forgiven for that if I at least get the “spirit” of it right!Today I sat in on our May vestry meeting. I am not a member of the vestry but as a deacon in the church I am allowed seat and voice…just no vote. The meeting started just like most meetings…open with prayer, accept the agenda, accept the minutes of the last meeting, etc. Then came the rector’s report…1) look at the attendance so far this year…pretty standard. However, then came point #2…”the elephant in the room.”
The “elephant” was the fact that our rector is leaving us for another church in northern Indiana. We all knew it, but this was the first time it had been talked about in a group with the rector. Wow…it had to be REAL if he was saying it to everyone! Reality check time.
Now is where my facts get a little fuzzy. Father Dan talked about the choir anthem…how it had always wanted to hear it in this church and how the words came from St. Paul’s letter to the Ephesians. The anthem was “Grieve Not the Holy Spirit of God.” I hope that I get the verses right…they are from the King James…..
Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth,
but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may
minister grace unto the hearers.
And grieve not the holy Spirit of God whereby ye are
sealed unto the day of redemption.
Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil
speaking, be put away from you, with all malice.
And be ye kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another,
even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.
(Ephesians 4:29-32)
Father Dan then said that those words to the Ephesians were the words he wanted to say to us. He went on to talk about the next five weeks and that during that time he hoped that each of individually or in small groups might take the time to have a three-part discussion with him as a way to say goodbye in a healthy, healing way. The three parts would be things we appreciated about him, things we had regrets about (either our regrets about him or our regrets about ourselves in relation to him) and finally, resentments that we might have harbored against him. The hope, I’m sure, is that these exchanges would allow us all to close our relationships by being “kind to on another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another.”
I, personally, intend to take advantage of that invitation. I have so very many words of appreciation to share with Fr. Dan. I also have some regrets on my part. And, it will be good to get rid of some resentment that I have held on to for too long. This will be an exercise in love and forgiveness and in saying good-bye in a healthy, healing way. I hope that others also take advantage of the invitation.
But, having written all of that, I now come to the real purpose of this entry. While coming home from church, pondering on Paul’s words and Fr. Dan’s invitation, I thought about what an incredible healing could take place in so many relationship if we took the time to engage in this exercise with others on a regular basis. Maybe having two or more days a year that were “Three part discussion” days where we would we would let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking, be put away from us, with all malice.”
On those special, set aside days, people would go to one another and in love and humility and tell each other the things they appreciated, the regrets that they had and the resentments they had been holding against each other. Forgiveness would be extended, relationships would be healed and life would be better for all of us…and, most importantly, we would “grieve not the Holy Spirit of God.”
Because we are fragile, sinful human beings, this exercise would have to be done much more than once…perhaps quarterly or even monthly (for some, daily or hourly might be in order!!). By doing this, small “hurts” would not be able to grow in large, festering wounds. Hateful words would take continue to hang overhead. Forgiveness would be a regular activity!
Okay, so I sound like I am living in “La La Land.” However, I believe that the Bible is our guidebook for living lives that are pleasing to God. Paul’s words to the church at Ephesus are as important and meaningful to us today as they were then. Every day we participate in “corrupt communications.” On a daily basis we allow “bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor” into our lives.
Oops…looks like I’ve gotten on a soapbox. Maybe its just me. I think I will just make my own “Three Part Discussion” days and try this theory out. I’ll share my findings in some future post!
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Back to Basics
I’ve just returned from a lovely “mini-vacation” with my husband, Bob. We had originally planned this time off to attend my niece’s wedding in Massachusetts. However, we learned a little over a month ago that the wedding has been “postponed” to a later date. We decided to take the time off anyway and go somewhere close “just to get away.” We decided to go to Monterey with our bikes and do some riding along the coast. 
Timing is everything! We left on Tuesday afternoon just ahead of mail delivery to the members of our church of a letter written by our rector saying that he and his wife are leaving us after many years of faithful service. We already knew what was in the letter. Bob is on the vestry and the vestry was given advance knowledge. As a deacon, I am part of clergy and also knew “the news.”
I have been in various stages of grief depending on the day and the hour. My first feeling was one of sheer horror and fear. How could we possibly function as a church without our beloved Fr. Dan and his precious wife, Brenda (she who is also our beloved choir mistress and organist of the absolutely highest quality!)? How could I possibly function as a deacon without my champion and my mentor? How could life possible go on?
As I sat in the window seat of our incredible room pondering all those grieving questions and looking out at the ocean, I could almost audibly hear God’s voice whispering, “Lee, let’s get back to basics.” I knew it wasn’t Bob because he was continuing his bike ride (after I gave up at 10 miles!). The cleaning lady had already been in our room…no one else was there except God and me. It wasn’t me so it had to be Him!
And just as I had asked those grief filled questions, the Lord came back at me with His own questions. Answering them was a healing balm on my grieving soul.
His first question was “Do you go to church because Fr. Dan is there?” No, Lord, I go because I want to worship you in community with other believers. I want to celebrate the Eucharist and take part in a foretaste of the great feast that awaits us in your kingdom. I want to hear your Word. I want to sing praises to your Name. I go to church because of you!
The second question was “Did you become a deacon because of Fr. Dan and so you could serve with him at the altar? No, Lord, I am a deacon today because you called me to be one. I believe with all my heart that you placed Fr. Dan in my life so that he could be my champion and my mentor…and he was. You called me and he heeded your call to teach me and to “hatch me.” Now I must do the work you have called me to do both in your church and in the world. I must discover, through your Divine Wisdom, the ministry you desire for me. I have been prepared well and while there is much work to be done on me yet, I must trust that you will continue to “grow” me!
As a bereavement counselor I know that the hardest part of grieving is “accepting the reality”…getting your head knowledge and your heart knowledge at the same place. My head knows that Fr. Dan is leaving and that “getting back to the basics” of why I go to church and why I am a deacon is very important. My heart isn’t quite there yet, so I give my heart to the Lord and ask Him to hug it (so that I might see the majesty of all that He is), to dry my tears and to impart that peace that only He can give while the healing continues.
Will I miss Fr. Dan…my priest, my champion, my mentor? Of course I will!! However, I trust with all my heart in his call and in his discernment process. And I trust in the Lord with all my heart to bless all of us…Fr. Dan and Brenda, me, St. Anne’s, and St. John’s as we all follow His will for our lives. And, thanks to the wonders of modern technology and free cell phone long distance, we will never really be more than an email, a text message or a phone call apart!
A line from an old Christian song rings in my ears…”A friend is a friend forever if the Lord is Lord of all.”
Timing is everything! We left on Tuesday afternoon just ahead of mail delivery to the members of our church of a letter written by our rector saying that he and his wife are leaving us after many years of faithful service. We already knew what was in the letter. Bob is on the vestry and the vestry was given advance knowledge. As a deacon, I am part of clergy and also knew “the news.”I have been in various stages of grief depending on the day and the hour. My first feeling was one of sheer horror and fear. How could we possibly function as a church without our beloved Fr. Dan and his precious wife, Brenda (she who is also our beloved choir mistress and organist of the absolutely highest quality!)? How could I possibly function as a deacon without my champion and my mentor? How could life possible go on?
As I sat in the window seat of our incredible room pondering all those grieving questions and looking out at the ocean, I could almost audibly hear God’s voice whispering, “Lee, let’s get back to basics.” I knew it wasn’t Bob because he was continuing his bike ride (after I gave up at 10 miles!). The cleaning lady had already been in our room…no one else was there except God and me. It wasn’t me so it had to be Him!And just as I had asked those grief filled questions, the Lord came back at me with His own questions. Answering them was a healing balm on my grieving soul.
His first question was “Do you go to church because Fr. Dan is there?” No, Lord, I go because I want to worship you in community with other believers. I want to celebrate the Eucharist and take part in a foretaste of the great feast that awaits us in your kingdom. I want to hear your Word. I want to sing praises to your Name. I go to church because of you!
The second question was “Did you become a deacon because of Fr. Dan and so you could serve with him at the altar? No, Lord, I am a deacon today because you called me to be one. I believe with all my heart that you placed Fr. Dan in my life so that he could be my champion and my mentor…and he was. You called me and he heeded your call to teach me and to “hatch me.” Now I must do the work you have called me to do both in your church and in the world. I must discover, through your Divine Wisdom, the ministry you desire for me. I have been prepared well and while there is much work to be done on me yet, I must trust that you will continue to “grow” me!
As a bereavement counselor I know that the hardest part of grieving is “accepting the reality”…getting your head knowledge and your heart knowledge at the same place. My head knows that Fr. Dan is leaving and that “getting back to the basics” of why I go to church and why I am a deacon is very important. My heart isn’t quite there yet, so I give my heart to the Lord and ask Him to hug it (so that I might see the majesty of all that He is), to dry my tears and to impart that peace that only He can give while the healing continues.
Will I miss Fr. Dan…my priest, my champion, my mentor? Of course I will!! However, I trust with all my heart in his call and in his discernment process. And I trust in the Lord with all my heart to bless all of us…Fr. Dan and Brenda, me, St. Anne’s, and St. John’s as we all follow His will for our lives. And, thanks to the wonders of modern technology and free cell phone long distance, we will never really be more than an email, a text message or a phone call apart!
A line from an old Christian song rings in my ears…”A friend is a friend forever if the Lord is Lord of all.”Monday, May 14, 2007
Blessed St. Paul Had It Right!
In his first Epistle to the Corinthians Paul says….(KJV)
For as the body is one, and hath many members,
And all the members of that one body,
Being many, are one body: so also is Christ,
For the body is not one member but many.
If the foot shall say, because I am not the hand
I am not of the body; is it therefore
Not if the body?
And if the ear shall say, Because I am not
The eye, I am not of the body; is it
Therefore not of the body?
If the whole body were an eye, where were
The hearing? If the whole body were hearing,
Where were the smelling?
But now hath God set the members everyone of
Them in the body, as it hath pleased him.
(15:12, 14-18)
Since by days at Florida Bible College I have understood what his words meant concerning the church. However, it wasn’t until today that I realized it could also pertain to our own physical body.
Today, I was without the left tip of the index finger on my right hand. Unless you have ever been without that particular part of your body you have no idea how necessary it is to the whole! My index finger has been missing its left tip and has become extremely painful. My middle finger is stressed because it is being used to type letters it never had to before. My entire right hand us miserable because the index finger is in pain and the middle finger is stressed. My right arm is sore because of all of the above. It goes on and on. Obviously it did not please God for us to be without the left tip of our right index finger which is why He gave it to us!!
I was without the tip of my finger because last night while cutting material for a quilt using a rotary cutter (with a fresh blade) I sliced off said tip. It was very dramatic. Blood was everywhere, I was screaming and my husband had no idea what to do. I KNOW that when cutting material I must “stay in the moment.” Last night I was not “in the moment.” Instead, I was thinking about my rector and his leaving the church in a few months. Out of the moment and off with the finger!
Do you know how difficult it is to work the mouse with your right hand when you can’t use your index finger?
For as the body is one, and hath many members,
And all the members of that one body,
Being many, are one body: so also is Christ,
For the body is not one member but many.
If the foot shall say, because I am not the hand
I am not of the body; is it therefore
Not if the body?
And if the ear shall say, Because I am not
The eye, I am not of the body; is it
Therefore not of the body?
If the whole body were an eye, where were
The hearing? If the whole body were hearing,
Where were the smelling?
But now hath God set the members everyone of
Them in the body, as it hath pleased him.
(15:12, 14-18)
Since by days at Florida Bible College I have understood what his words meant concerning the church. However, it wasn’t until today that I realized it could also pertain to our own physical body.
Today, I was without the left tip of the index finger on my right hand. Unless you have ever been without that particular part of your body you have no idea how necessary it is to the whole! My index finger has been missing its left tip and has become extremely painful. My middle finger is stressed because it is being used to type letters it never had to before. My entire right hand us miserable because the index finger is in pain and the middle finger is stressed. My right arm is sore because of all of the above. It goes on and on. Obviously it did not please God for us to be without the left tip of our right index finger which is why He gave it to us!!
I was without the tip of my finger because last night while cutting material for a quilt using a rotary cutter (with a fresh blade) I sliced off said tip. It was very dramatic. Blood was everywhere, I was screaming and my husband had no idea what to do. I KNOW that when cutting material I must “stay in the moment.” Last night I was not “in the moment.” Instead, I was thinking about my rector and his leaving the church in a few months. Out of the moment and off with the finger!
Do you know how difficult it is to work the mouse with your right hand when you can’t use your index finger?
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Mother's Day
Today is Mother’s Day. It is a day that I am somewhat fearful of because I am not a mother and I do not have a mother.
It wasn’t always so with me. I once was a mother. My only child, my daughter Jennifer Lee Lemmer was born on October 16, 1973. I loved that first Mother’s Day in 1974! Sadly, it was my last time to celebrate. Jennie died on October 16, 2004. It was her first birthday and my 29th birthday.
But I still had a mother. Patricia Lee Rossiter was perhaps not the very best mother in the whole world but she was MY mother so that made her the best with me. I loved her dearly. After a deathbed change of heart to embrace Jesus Christ as her personal Savior, she died on March 3, 1987, just six days after her 61st birthday. I am now older than my mother ever lived to be.
So those two short lived lives have made Mother’s Day very difficult for me, even though Jennie died 33 years ago and my mother died 20 years ago. My heart still yearns and breaks for them and I look forward to the day when we will be reunited at the feet of Jesus.
Eleven years ago I became a stepmother to Bob’s son, Dave, who I fondly call “our son.”
Dave is married now and has made me a grandmother to three beautiful grandchildren; Jacob (5), Karly (3) and Nicholas (8 months.) I love Dave and I love the kids and being “grandma” suits me just fine.
This Mother’s Day started as so many others have with thoughts of Jennie and my mom going through my head. However, today, God reminded me that while being a mother and having a mother are truly important, the most important thing is LOVE!
My dear friend Cyndi has three incredible children. They all give me big hugs when they see me. Today her oldest daughter, Rachel, held my hand while we walked through the church looking for my Prayer Book. This afternoon while at a concert one of her twins, Rebecca, sat on my lap and cuddled with me. The other twin, Jonathan, gave me a big hug when he saw me. I felt incredibly loved today.
God, from His heaven, hugged me today and I was surrounded by the mystery of all that He is. Happy Mother’s Day!
It wasn’t always so with me. I once was a mother. My only child, my daughter Jennifer Lee Lemmer was born on October 16, 1973. I loved that first Mother’s Day in 1974! Sadly, it was my last time to celebrate. Jennie died on October 16, 2004. It was her first birthday and my 29th birthday.
But I still had a mother. Patricia Lee Rossiter was perhaps not the very best mother in the whole world but she was MY mother so that made her the best with me. I loved her dearly. After a deathbed change of heart to embrace Jesus Christ as her personal Savior, she died on March 3, 1987, just six days after her 61st birthday. I am now older than my mother ever lived to be.
So those two short lived lives have made Mother’s Day very difficult for me, even though Jennie died 33 years ago and my mother died 20 years ago. My heart still yearns and breaks for them and I look forward to the day when we will be reunited at the feet of Jesus.
Eleven years ago I became a stepmother to Bob’s son, Dave, who I fondly call “our son.”
Dave is married now and has made me a grandmother to three beautiful grandchildren; Jacob (5), Karly (3) and Nicholas (8 months.) I love Dave and I love the kids and being “grandma” suits me just fine.
This Mother’s Day started as so many others have with thoughts of Jennie and my mom going through my head. However, today, God reminded me that while being a mother and having a mother are truly important, the most important thing is LOVE!
My dear friend Cyndi has three incredible children. They all give me big hugs when they see me. Today her oldest daughter, Rachel, held my hand while we walked through the church looking for my Prayer Book. This afternoon while at a concert one of her twins, Rebecca, sat on my lap and cuddled with me. The other twin, Jonathan, gave me a big hug when he saw me. I felt incredibly loved today.
God, from His heaven, hugged me today and I was surrounded by the mystery of all that He is. Happy Mother’s Day!
Saturday, May 12, 2007
Home Coming
Mousie came home today. While I was at a meeting in Fresno my sweet husband went to pick her up at the crematorium. She is in a little cedar box with a lock and key. Most importantly, she is home.
She came home with a little piece of prose that I would like to share a part of here for any animal lover who happens upon this blog.
She came home with a little piece of prose that I would like to share a part of here for any animal lover who happens upon this blog.
When a beloved pet dies, the pet goes to a place
There, there is always food and water and warm spring weather.
The old and frail animals are young again.
Those whom are maimed are made whole again.
They play all day with each other.
I remember with fondness when Mousie was very young the incredible amount of energy she would have as she ran around, jumped on furniture, pounced on her toys and general made a spectacle of herself! We would laugh and laugh at her antics. In the end she was very slow and could no longer run and jump.
It put a big smile on my face to read the above and think of her young again and jumping and running and making a spectacle of herself as she played with my other beloved dogs (Timmy, Peenutz and Scamper [all toy poodles] and Sasha and Tiffany [tiny yorkies])!
Surely that "place" is called heaven. For our dear heavenly Father loves all of His creations. Run and jump to your heart's content, my dear little Mousie!
Sunday, May 6, 2007
The Saddest Month Ever
I am a breavement counselor for our local hospice. Part of my job consists of meeting with adults and children in the community who have recently (or not so recently) experienced the death of someone they love. They talk and I listen and sometimes God gives me something encouraging to say to them. Other times I've been known to just cry with them.
A couple of weeks ago two young boys came to see me. They were brothers, ages 14 and 15. Their dad had died when they were very young and their mother had remarried. They loved their step-dad. Their maternal grandmother had died when they were very young also and their grandfather had lived with them their whole remembered lives.
Although the boys were teenagers, they were slight of build and could easily have passed for 11 and 12. One was very quiet and looked so very sad it broke my heart. The other (the younger brother) was the "spokesman" for the two of them.
This is the story they told me.....
Their dog died on March 30th. Their dog had been their constant and faithful companion for almost ten years...most of their life. They were inconsolable. So to make them feel a little better their mom suggested that they spend Saturday night (March 31st) at their cousin's house. They thought that would be a great idea and they went quite happily. On Sunday morning their step-dad called them. Their mom had gone to bed Saturday night and did not wake up Sunday morning. She was dead.
They both told me how brave they had been when their mom died. How they had both been pall bearers at their mom's funeral. They told me how sad they were.
Then they said that their grandfather was very ill and that when their mom died he had seemed to give up on life. They were busy taking care of him to fulfill their mom's promise that she would always take care of him.
They said that this had been the saddest month ever.
Their grandfather died the next day. This was one of those times I just cried.
A couple of weeks ago two young boys came to see me. They were brothers, ages 14 and 15. Their dad had died when they were very young and their mother had remarried. They loved their step-dad. Their maternal grandmother had died when they were very young also and their grandfather had lived with them their whole remembered lives.
Although the boys were teenagers, they were slight of build and could easily have passed for 11 and 12. One was very quiet and looked so very sad it broke my heart. The other (the younger brother) was the "spokesman" for the two of them.
This is the story they told me.....
Their dog died on March 30th. Their dog had been their constant and faithful companion for almost ten years...most of their life. They were inconsolable. So to make them feel a little better their mom suggested that they spend Saturday night (March 31st) at their cousin's house. They thought that would be a great idea and they went quite happily. On Sunday morning their step-dad called them. Their mom had gone to bed Saturday night and did not wake up Sunday morning. She was dead.
They both told me how brave they had been when their mom died. How they had both been pall bearers at their mom's funeral. They told me how sad they were.
Then they said that their grandfather was very ill and that when their mom died he had seemed to give up on life. They were busy taking care of him to fulfill their mom's promise that she would always take care of him.
They said that this had been the saddest month ever.
Their grandfather died the next day. This was one of those times I just cried.
Thursday, May 3, 2007
My Broken Heart
I started out this blog with such enthusiasm and after three entries I kind of fizzled out. I have a lot in my head and heart to say but I find that I am still in deep mourning for my little Mousie. In my paid daytime job I am a grief counselor. However, I find that I have no tender words of consolation from me to me for my broken heart. Someone asked me why I was still sad and I answered "because Mousie is dead." They then asked if I would be said forever because she would be dead forever. I am glad that person is NOT a grief counselor because they would fail miserably in that position!
My husband thinks I am simply missing "a dog" and that "another dog" could fill my empty spot. And although the last thing in the world he wants is "another dog" he is willing to let this happen so that I can be "happy" again. The thing is that I am not simply missing "a dog." I am specifically missing my Mousie. I tell the people in my support groups and the ones I counsel in my office that "grief takes as long as it takes." I guess everyone will just have to wait for a while for me to be "happy."
My husband thinks I am simply missing "a dog" and that "another dog" could fill my empty spot. And although the last thing in the world he wants is "another dog" he is willing to let this happen so that I can be "happy" again. The thing is that I am not simply missing "a dog." I am specifically missing my Mousie. I tell the people in my support groups and the ones I counsel in my office that "grief takes as long as it takes." I guess everyone will just have to wait for a while for me to be "happy."
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Something About Christy Too
This isn't the very best picture of Christy...but since she now sleeps about 20 hours a day it is difficult to get one when she is actually awake!
Christy was born September 7, 1991. My late husband, Chuck, gave her to me as a Christmas present that year. She is a pet shop dog which accounts for why her she has floppy ears and has always been much bigger than a "normal" yorkie!
Christy is a "loner" and while I am sure that she loves me in her little "doggy way" she isn't a cuddler and doesn't like to be held. When she wants something to eat I am her best friend but if she isn't hungry then she prefers to alone.
She didn't get along too well with Mousie. They both wanted to be the "alpha dog" and Christy usually won out because she weighed 14 lbs. to Mousie's 4.5 lbs. Fur went flying when they both wanted the same thing at the same time! A year or so ago Christy became blind and deaf and lost all interest in "arguing" with Mousie so the last year has been pretty quiet. She doesn't seem to miss her "little sister," much prefering to be an only "child" at this point in her life! Maybe she will stay awake for a while and I can post a picture of her face on another posting!
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
About Mousie
This picture of my Mousie was taken just a week before she died. Obviously you can see why I thought she was so precious!
Mousie was born on January 10, 1992. Her Dam was "Patten's Litten Tinx" and her Sire was Glendenings Glo of Starlite." They were show dogs...Mousie was not. She was not a "box" and that is what a "show dog" is supposed to be.
She didn't start out as "Mousie." She started out her life as "Nellie" but it was quite obvious from the beginning that not only did she have no idea that her name was "Nellie" but that she didn't much like it. My late husband, Chuck, and I both agreed at the same time that her name should be "Mousie." She took to it immediately.
As cute as she was, we were her 4th home. She had been purchased and brought back to the breeders three times before Chuck and I gave her a home. She was already 11 months old by the time she came to our family. We soon found out why her other families had brought her back...she did not have good "potty habits." A sad fact that endured for her entire 15 years, 3 months and 6 days.
She became part of a family that consisted of her "daddy," Chuck, her "mommy," me and her "sister," Christy (another yorkie who was 14 months old and had been a member of the family for a year...more on her later). Except for her unacceptable "potty habits" Mousie was a sweet, loveable little yorkie and a wonderful addition to our family. Life went on and we all "bonded." We were known as "The Lemmers;" Chuck, Lee and "the girls!"
Chuck became very ill in 1993. "The girls" became his constant companions until his death in March 1995. Chuck died at home with "the girls" in his lap. When the funeral home came to take Chuck, Mousie growled and scared the guy so much that he had to ask me to "remove the dog." She weighed 4.5 lbs but thought she was a doberman!
The following year "the girls" and I moved to Lodi, CA after we accepted Bob Johnson into our family! There were a lot of problems with the move. There was another dog to deal with..."Duke," a very large golden retriever. There were Bob's two children. There were a lot of fights for the "Alpha Dog" position between Bob, Christy and Mousie! Life went on.
Three years ago Mousie was mauled by the dog behind us. He pulled her through a knot hole in the fence. It was awful. She was seriously wounded but that little 4.5 lbs of messy hair pulled through. She had a personality change though. She grew very, very fond of "mommy." I'm sure she always loved me in her little doggy fashion but after her "near death experience" I became her best buddy. I was "Mousie's Mommy" and I loved it. She followed me everywhere and had to be with me whenever I was home. She slept with me, cuddled with me and I was in heaven!
I miss her more than I would have imagined possible. She has a very special place in my heart and I am so very grateful for the time I had with her.
I will remember her most of all for her love of popcorn, her ability to stretch her 4.5 lb frame enough to take up more than half of a queen size bed, her goofy little walk and her little notched tongue. And of course I will always remember her for giving me the privilege of being "Mousie's Mommy!"
Why Am I Doing This?
I love to write. Mostly I write in my mind...in the shower! I write letters to people I am angry with...and I tell them why I am angry. I write letters to people I love...and I tell them why I love them. I write letters to people I care about...and I tell them why I care. Then, when I turn off the shower all of my "words" go down the drain with the water.
So no one ever gets to read what I write. They never know that I am angry or that I love them or that I truly care about them. So, perhaps I am doing this because there may be a chance that one of them will come across this blog and read what I write. And maybe one of them will know that I am writing to or about them. Or, maybe someone I am not writing to or about will come across this blog and think perhaps I did write to them...and it will make their day brighter.
So, I'm not really, really sure why I am doing this except I have a lot of words in me and no one to listen and not enough time to actually write them on pieces of paper, find an envelope and a stamp (assuming I found the piece of paper in the first place) and then getting the stamped envelope in a mailbox so I can get it to its recipient.
The idea to actually start a blog happened on April 16, 2007 when my little yorkie, Mousie, died. I'm going to write more about her later but I had so much sadness in me and no place to let it go or to "post" it.
So no one ever gets to read what I write. They never know that I am angry or that I love them or that I truly care about them. So, perhaps I am doing this because there may be a chance that one of them will come across this blog and read what I write. And maybe one of them will know that I am writing to or about them. Or, maybe someone I am not writing to or about will come across this blog and think perhaps I did write to them...and it will make their day brighter.
So, I'm not really, really sure why I am doing this except I have a lot of words in me and no one to listen and not enough time to actually write them on pieces of paper, find an envelope and a stamp (assuming I found the piece of paper in the first place) and then getting the stamped envelope in a mailbox so I can get it to its recipient.
The idea to actually start a blog happened on April 16, 2007 when my little yorkie, Mousie, died. I'm going to write more about her later but I had so much sadness in me and no place to let it go or to "post" it.
So, if you just "happened" upon this blog, don't expect too much...but don't be surprised if you get more than you expected either! I even surprise myself sometimes!
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