After spending the last half hour trying to figure out exactly why I haven't posted anything I suddenly realized that I am just too sad to write. I'm not unhappy. I'm not angry. I'm not frustrated...I am just plain sad.
Because my "paying gig" is being a grief counselor one might think that it would not be unusual for me to be sad. At the present time I am facilitating 3 evening adult bereavement support groups with a total of 51 people in the 3 groups. That translates to having heard 51 stories from people who are grieving the death of a loved one. Some are grieving the death of spouses, some of parents, some of siblings and quite a few are grieving the death of a child...their children ranging in age from 3 years to 53 years. However, the stories don't make me sad. My heart often breaks for those who are suffering in their grief but a part of me is so grateful that they are in the group because I know that healing is a real possibility. I know that on the last night of each of the three groups I will hear laughter. I will hear people who started out at complete strangers on week one exchanging address and phone numbers and making plans to meet for lunch or dinner. I will have the incredible joy of watching them leave with something they didn't start out with....HOPE!
No, I am not sad because of my groups. I am not even sad any more about my little Mousies passing. I have come to realize that I was an excellent "Mousies Mommy" and that is why she lived a full and exciting 15 year, 4 months and 6 days! She brought joy and happiness to my life and I have lots of memories to warm my heart.
The answer for my sadness comes from the Blessed St. Paul's Epistle to the Romans....
"I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree that the law is good. So then it is no longer I that do it, but sin which dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells within me, that is, in my flesh. I can will what is right, but I cannot do it. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I that do it, but sin which dwells within me. " (Romans 6:15-20 RSV)
I have wrestled with these verses from Roman ever since I became a Christian a little over 25 years ago. Sin is the reason for my sadness. To be more concise....MY sin is the reason for my sadness. Like St. Paul, I do not understand my own actions. The goodness in my heart seems to go through some strange transformation by the time in comes out through my actions or my words. And therefore I do not do what I want, but I do the very things I hate.
During the past several weeks I have found that I have offended people that I greatly admire, I have hurt people through action or word that I love so dearly, I have let people down who I have given every reason to be able to count on me and so I have become so very sad.
Oh, I've taken the opportunity to apologize where I have offended and tried to make amends as best I could but I know that these things, probably in different forms, will happen again. I am sad because it is obvious that "evil dwells within me" and all I want dwelling within me is the presence of the Holy Spirit!
Tonight as I finished up my two hour support group I read a little story to the group about hope. It was the story of Pandora's box and how when she opened it (after being under strict orders not to open it!) she released all the evils of the world so she hurried up a shut the lid. When she did a little voice inside the box begged her to be let out. When she opened the lid again she let out the most important item in the box...HOPE.
I can't use scripture in my groups...but I can use scripture in my life. And so tonight I looked for as many verses as I could that talked about hope. There are lots of them. They all hugged my heart.
I may still be sad but the Lord has reminded me that I am not like those without hope...because He loves me...even when I do that which I do not want to do! Thank you Lord for your unceasing love and forgiveness!
1 comment:
You do have a lot of good things to say!! And you have a better track record than I do right now.
You wonderfully support those in need, those in your groups.
Blessings on you!!!
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