The Beginning of a Journey for a "Rule of Life"

It has been my joy and my privilege over the past 28 months to have the gift of a spiritual director. J is a Roman Catholic priest and one of the most humble, gentle, godly and spiritual men I have ever known. It may seem odd that an Episcopal/Anglican deacon has a Roman Catholic priest for a spiritual director but since I went to him not for direction in serving in the Episcopal church...that was what those three years of classes in Fresno were for...but for direction for a deeper of heart, mind and spirit relationship with God, our relationship has been perfect...at least for me.

I met J in the beginning of my second year in the diaconate discernment process shortly after moving from an "Aspirant" to a "Postulant. I wasn't quite sure how all this was going to work...would he "take me on?"...would I like him?...but the line from Rene Zellwenger in the movie "Jerry Maquire fills the bill...he "had me at hello!" I knew immediately that the Lord had chosen him to help guide me in the spiritual journey that I was taking.

In the beginning I became somewhat frustrated. I would ask him questions but he would not give me answers! Instead, he would guide me on a path where I could discover the answers for myself. I thought the "instant gratification" way would be better but now, after over two years of monthly meetings, I truly realize that his way was so much better and helped me to grow in ways I never would have done had I just been given the "answers."

I was terrified that when I finally finished that very long third year and reached my ordination date of December 16, 2006 that he would suggest that we part company. Thankfully he did not do that and so we have continued our monthly meetings and I am ever so grateful.

All that has been said to bring me to our most recent meeting on June 21, 2007...just a few days ago. I told him that I felt the Lord was really laying upon my heart the need for a "rule of life" for my life.

All my life I have actually liked "rules." They make me feel secure in a world that is not always very secure. I attended an all girls Catholic high school. Maria High was located on the south side of Chicago in the Marquette Park area. It was part of a large full city block which consisted of Nativity Church, Nativity Grammar School, Holy Cross Hospital, Maria and the mother house of the Sisters of St. Casimir, who taught at both schools and managed the hospital. I was in high school from 1959 to 1963 when nuns still wore those mysterious black and white "habits" and demanded the highest respect!

We had SO many rules that they could make your head spin. No talking in the halls, no talking in the classrooms, no talking in the bathrooms, no make-up, only wear black crepe sole shoes, must wear stockings with seams, must wear wool gabardine uniform swith little while blouses with peter pan collars! Don't wear patent leather shoes because they reflect your underwear, don't wear white because it reminds a boy of bedsheets (back when almost all sheets were white!!) and always have a Chicago telephone directory between you and a boy's lap or you will get pregnant! There were many, many, many more! I loved and embraced all of them. They made my very insecure life secure even if it was only during school hours.

The first reunion I went to with my classmates was our 10th. So many of them were married and had babies already and we were all so "grown up." During our discussions at the dinner table they started talking about how awful, how terrible, how humiliating and degrading all those terrible rules had been when we were in school. I was devastated and could not bring myself to join in the conversation because I knew that I would be considered "strange" if I said how much I appreciated those rules!

It was not until I accepted Christ as my personal savior and gave Him my heart that I ever felt that security again. God had rules for us and they were found in His book, the bible! I met Christ 25+ years ago in a little Baptist church in Kissimmee, Florida. Not only did I discover that God had rules but I also discovered the Baptist church had made up a whole big bunch of them on their own...boy did they have rules! However, all those rules once again brought order and stability to my life and I quickly embraced all I could find. In time, I also found some of those rules very confining...but that's a different blog!

So here I am today, an ordained Episcopal/Anglican deacon and once again looking for rules to bring order and stability to my life. It is not that my life is out of control...it is the world that seems out of control to me. There don't seem to be many "rules" that anyone cares to follow any more. Gosh, just try and do the speed limit on a freeway and you will find yourself the slowest vehicle out there and likely to get run over!

Even God's rules don't seem to mean much anymore...you know...the ones about killing and stealing and honoring your parents and coveting your neighbors goods...or spouse! Just watch the nightly news or read the newspaper to discover that! Even the more gentle "rules" like ""not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near. " (Heb 10:25) I have a feeling that there a lot more people at home on Sunday mornings than there are in churches even though those at home are "members" of churches!

I must confess that I am easily distracted by all that is going on around me. My life does not seem secure right now with my Mousie's death (yes, I am still grieving!), my beloved rector leaving our church to move to Indiana and "things" at work being more stressful and out of hand than usual. I need some stability...I need a "rule of life" so that I have a lifeline to hold on to when things get out of control.

While J was in certainly in favor of this quest I wanted to embark on he was also hesitant about it because he was concerned that I might use this "rule of life" to beat myself up with because I would build something so stringent that I could never hope to achieve it and then I would berate myself for not succeeding. I am an expert at this. I am one of those people who can receive 24 positive comments about something but only hear and remember the one negative one. Then am quite experienced at beating myself up over that one negative comment. I believe the one over the twenty four no matter how hard I try not to! I definitely need a "rule of life"...and one that does not allow any self-flagellation!

After assuring J that my goal was that my "rule of life" would be an encouragement and not a detriment to my spiritual growth, he agreed to help. Of course the help that I had in mind was that he would kind of put it together for me and I would just try and follow it! It was not what he had in mind. He went to his library and returned with a book. "Read it" he said, "it won't tell you what to do it but it will be a guidebook for the journey." I have begun to devour the book. I am excited to begin the work involved but want to every word to sink in before that! I am really hyped!

Every meeting that I have had with J has resulted in me getting a "nugget" that I could chew on until our next meeting. This month my "nugget" was the reminder that God loves me...not because of any good that I might try to do...and not in spite of all the messes I make...God loves me because I belong to Him! I belong to God...the God that created the heavens and the sun and the moon and the stars and every living creature on earth! I belong to Him! Wow! That's a reminder nugget that I needed...especially in light of my "sad" state that I have been in lately.

Praise be God...forever and ever and ever! Amen!