A Special Day

Today is only just a little half over (by the clock) and it has already been an incredible special day.

I have had the opportunity to see someone I love in a way I have never seen them before and now feel closer than I ever had. I have also been reminded in a gentle and loving way of what REAL friendship between those who call Jesus "the Christ, the son of the living God" looks like! I consider both the opportunity and the reminder as "love gifts" from the Lord today! Although the gifts concern two different people they are intrically connected!

The "opportunity" concerns someone I have known and loved for the past 10 years. I have known this person to be quite "cerebral" and not one to deal much in feelings because, you know, "feelings" can mess you up! Today, this person shared feelings with me that showed me a tender side of them...a gentleness and openness that I wasn't sure existed but am so delighted to know that it does! It was a lovely "love gift."

The "reminder" concerns someone that I have known and loved for a shorter but equally wonderful time. I call this person "my dear friend" because they bring light and laughter and kind counsel into my life. Today, this friend reminded me of what "friendship" is really about. It is about loving and caring enough about someone to tell them the truth even if they don't think they want to hear it. It is about have the freedom to be truly be honest with someone and knowing that it is perfectly "OK."

And even more than that, a true friend can help you see the "forest" when all you can see is the one tree you are standing under. They can also help you see your "real" self even though you try to hide it! Today, "my dear friend" helped me to see the beauty and the value of my first "love gift" and all of the above. That was my second "love gift" from the Lord.

Previously I wrote about the joy of thinking about the fact that God needs no other reason to love us other than we belong to Him! And because we belong to Him, like any loving Father, He gives us special little "love gifts" when we least expect them! I am so grateful for his gifts of love to me today.

Praise be God forever and ever and ever!!

An Encouragement to Love and Spoil!

Christy Actually Awake! (Kind of!)

During the last week, Christy, my very old "dorkey Yorkie" developed an "itchy rash" which has caused her to spend a lot of her awake time chewing on herself. She has had this itchy rash before so I called the vets office to get a refill of her medicine. I was told that medications can't be refilled without a "vet visit" (which therefore gives me the opportunity to pay $41.00 for the office visit AND the prescription refill!)

Since I work during the week I had to wait to get a Saturday appointment. Actually, my favorite vet there is Dr. McK and she only works on weekends anyway so it was all for the best.

As mentioned in a previous blog, Christy is a "pet shop" dog and therefore has always been much larger (fatter!) than a regular Yorkie (like Mousie). At her peak of "fatness" she weighed a little over 14 pounds...way over 14 pounds! Today they weighed her and she came in at about 8.7 lbs. I knew she had lost a lot of weight but close to half was a little scary.

Dr. McK finally saw us after almost an hour wait! She was surprised to see how little Christy has become. I told her why we were there and while I was telling her about Mousie I could see her gently running her hands over Christy and I watched her face as she went over and over Christy's tummy. When I finished talking I said "what did you find?" She then told me the words I most certainly did not want to hear "Christy has a very large tumor on her liver...about the size of a tennis ball."

I was then waiting for her to tell me the dreaded words "it's time to let her go." I wasn't ready for that and thankfully I did not hear them. Instead she told me to take Christy home and love her and love her and then love her some more. It's time to spoil her...feed her whatever she wants whenever she wants it! (Even though Christy is deaf her ears seemed to come up when Dr. McK said that!). When I asked about how long she might have to enjoy all this love and spoiling, the answer was "until she dies." Okay, I can deal with that. At least she didn't say "next week" although I am well aware it could be..."until she dies."

So I share my story with whoever might happen upon this blog. I'm going to be kind of busy from now on loving and spoiling Christy so this might be my last blog entry for a while. Christy has been my sweet baby since December 1991 when my late husband, Chuck, brought her home to me as a Christmas present all tucked up in his jacket! She was with me when my older Yorkie, Sasha, died. She was with me when Chuck died. She was with me when Mousie died. She moved from Chicago to Lodi with me. When I met her she was 14 weeks old and I was 46. Now she is 15 years, 9 months and 16 days old and I am 61+. We have a lot of history together and I intend on making our last "whatever" as special as possible.

I feel so sorry for those poor souls who don't believe in "doggy heaven" because there surely is one. All my beloved pets are there along with millions and billions of others. God certainly loves all His creatures from the slimy snail to my wonderful Mousie and Christy!

Praise God forever and ever and ever! Amen

The Beginning of a Journey for a "Rule of Life"

It has been my joy and my privilege over the past 28 months to have the gift of a spiritual director. J is a Roman Catholic priest and one of the most humble, gentle, godly and spiritual men I have ever known. It may seem odd that an Episcopal/Anglican deacon has a Roman Catholic priest for a spiritual director but since I went to him not for direction in serving in the Episcopal church...that was what those three years of classes in Fresno were for...but for direction for a deeper of heart, mind and spirit relationship with God, our relationship has been perfect...at least for me.

I met J in the beginning of my second year in the diaconate discernment process shortly after moving from an "Aspirant" to a "Postulant. I wasn't quite sure how all this was going to work...would he "take me on?"...would I like him?...but the line from Rene Zellwenger in the movie "Jerry Maquire fills the bill...he "had me at hello!" I knew immediately that the Lord had chosen him to help guide me in the spiritual journey that I was taking.

In the beginning I became somewhat frustrated. I would ask him questions but he would not give me answers! Instead, he would guide me on a path where I could discover the answers for myself. I thought the "instant gratification" way would be better but now, after over two years of monthly meetings, I truly realize that his way was so much better and helped me to grow in ways I never would have done had I just been given the "answers."

I was terrified that when I finally finished that very long third year and reached my ordination date of December 16, 2006 that he would suggest that we part company. Thankfully he did not do that and so we have continued our monthly meetings and I am ever so grateful.

All that has been said to bring me to our most recent meeting on June 21, 2007...just a few days ago. I told him that I felt the Lord was really laying upon my heart the need for a "rule of life" for my life.

All my life I have actually liked "rules." They make me feel secure in a world that is not always very secure. I attended an all girls Catholic high school. Maria High was located on the south side of Chicago in the Marquette Park area. It was part of a large full city block which consisted of Nativity Church, Nativity Grammar School, Holy Cross Hospital, Maria and the mother house of the Sisters of St. Casimir, who taught at both schools and managed the hospital. I was in high school from 1959 to 1963 when nuns still wore those mysterious black and white "habits" and demanded the highest respect!

We had SO many rules that they could make your head spin. No talking in the halls, no talking in the classrooms, no talking in the bathrooms, no make-up, only wear black crepe sole shoes, must wear stockings with seams, must wear wool gabardine uniform swith little while blouses with peter pan collars! Don't wear patent leather shoes because they reflect your underwear, don't wear white because it reminds a boy of bedsheets (back when almost all sheets were white!!) and always have a Chicago telephone directory between you and a boy's lap or you will get pregnant! There were many, many, many more! I loved and embraced all of them. They made my very insecure life secure even if it was only during school hours.

The first reunion I went to with my classmates was our 10th. So many of them were married and had babies already and we were all so "grown up." During our discussions at the dinner table they started talking about how awful, how terrible, how humiliating and degrading all those terrible rules had been when we were in school. I was devastated and could not bring myself to join in the conversation because I knew that I would be considered "strange" if I said how much I appreciated those rules!

It was not until I accepted Christ as my personal savior and gave Him my heart that I ever felt that security again. God had rules for us and they were found in His book, the bible! I met Christ 25+ years ago in a little Baptist church in Kissimmee, Florida. Not only did I discover that God had rules but I also discovered the Baptist church had made up a whole big bunch of them on their own...boy did they have rules! However, all those rules once again brought order and stability to my life and I quickly embraced all I could find. In time, I also found some of those rules very confining...but that's a different blog!

So here I am today, an ordained Episcopal/Anglican deacon and once again looking for rules to bring order and stability to my life. It is not that my life is out of control...it is the world that seems out of control to me. There don't seem to be many "rules" that anyone cares to follow any more. Gosh, just try and do the speed limit on a freeway and you will find yourself the slowest vehicle out there and likely to get run over!

Even God's rules don't seem to mean much anymore...you know...the ones about killing and stealing and honoring your parents and coveting your neighbors goods...or spouse! Just watch the nightly news or read the newspaper to discover that! Even the more gentle "rules" like ""not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near. " (Heb 10:25) I have a feeling that there a lot more people at home on Sunday mornings than there are in churches even though those at home are "members" of churches!

I must confess that I am easily distracted by all that is going on around me. My life does not seem secure right now with my Mousie's death (yes, I am still grieving!), my beloved rector leaving our church to move to Indiana and "things" at work being more stressful and out of hand than usual. I need some stability...I need a "rule of life" so that I have a lifeline to hold on to when things get out of control.

While J was in certainly in favor of this quest I wanted to embark on he was also hesitant about it because he was concerned that I might use this "rule of life" to beat myself up with because I would build something so stringent that I could never hope to achieve it and then I would berate myself for not succeeding. I am an expert at this. I am one of those people who can receive 24 positive comments about something but only hear and remember the one negative one. Then am quite experienced at beating myself up over that one negative comment. I believe the one over the twenty four no matter how hard I try not to! I definitely need a "rule of life"...and one that does not allow any self-flagellation!

After assuring J that my goal was that my "rule of life" would be an encouragement and not a detriment to my spiritual growth, he agreed to help. Of course the help that I had in mind was that he would kind of put it together for me and I would just try and follow it! It was not what he had in mind. He went to his library and returned with a book. "Read it" he said, "it won't tell you what to do it but it will be a guidebook for the journey." I have begun to devour the book. I am excited to begin the work involved but want to every word to sink in before that! I am really hyped!

Every meeting that I have had with J has resulted in me getting a "nugget" that I could chew on until our next meeting. This month my "nugget" was the reminder that God loves me...not because of any good that I might try to do...and not in spite of all the messes I make...God loves me because I belong to Him! I belong to God...the God that created the heavens and the sun and the moon and the stars and every living creature on earth! I belong to Him! Wow! That's a reminder nugget that I needed...especially in light of my "sad" state that I have been in lately.

Praise be God...forever and ever and ever! Amen!

Just Plain Sad

While wandering around "blog land" reading my very most favorite blogs, I clicked onto my own here. How shocked I was to realize that I had not written anything since May 28th! And I have had SO much to say!

After spending the last half hour trying to figure out exactly why I haven't posted anything I suddenly realized that I am just too sad to write. I'm not unhappy. I'm not angry. I'm not frustrated...I am just plain sad.

Because my "paying gig" is being a grief counselor one might think that it would not be unusual for me to be sad. At the present time I am facilitating 3 evening adult bereavement support groups with a total of 51 people in the 3 groups. That translates to having heard 51 stories from people who are grieving the death of a loved one. Some are grieving the death of spouses, some of parents, some of siblings and quite a few are grieving the death of a child...their children ranging in age from 3 years to 53 years. However, the stories don't make me sad. My heart often breaks for those who are suffering in their grief but a part of me is so grateful that they are in the group because I know that healing is a real possibility. I know that on the last night of each of the three groups I will hear laughter. I will hear people who started out at complete strangers on week one exchanging address and phone numbers and making plans to meet for lunch or dinner. I will have the incredible joy of watching them leave with something they didn't start out with....HOPE!

No, I am not sad because of my groups. I am not even sad any more about my little Mousies passing. I have come to realize that I was an excellent "Mousies Mommy" and that is why she lived a full and exciting 15 year, 4 months and 6 days! She brought joy and happiness to my life and I have lots of memories to warm my heart.

The answer for my sadness comes from the Blessed St. Paul's Epistle to the Romans....

"I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree that the law is good. So then it is no longer I that do it, but sin which dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells within me, that is, in my flesh. I can will what is right, but I cannot do it. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I that do it, but sin which dwells within me. " (Romans 6:15-20 RSV)

I have wrestled with these verses from Roman ever since I became a Christian a little over 25 years ago. Sin is the reason for my sadness. To be more concise....MY sin is the reason for my sadness. Like St. Paul, I do not understand my own actions. The goodness in my heart seems to go through some strange transformation by the time in comes out through my actions or my words. And therefore I do not do what I want, but I do the very things I hate.

During the past several weeks I have found that I have offended people that I greatly admire, I have hurt people through action or word that I love so dearly, I have let people down who I have given every reason to be able to count on me and so I have become so very sad.

Oh, I've taken the opportunity to apologize where I have offended and tried to make amends as best I could but I know that these things, probably in different forms, will happen again. I am sad because it is obvious that "evil dwells within me" and all I want dwelling within me is the presence of the Holy Spirit!

Tonight as I finished up my two hour support group I read a little story to the group about hope. It was the story of Pandora's box and how when she opened it (after being under strict orders not to open it!) she released all the evils of the world so she hurried up a shut the lid. When she did a little voice inside the box begged her to be let out. When she opened the lid again she let out the most important item in the box...HOPE.

I can't use scripture in my groups...but I can use scripture in my life. And so tonight I looked for as many verses as I could that talked about hope. There are lots of them. They all hugged my heart.

I may still be sad but the Lord has reminded me that I am not like those without hope...because He loves me...even when I do that which I do not want to do! Thank you Lord for your unceasing love and forgiveness!